While I do love the days that I'm in sync with the flow of life there are just as many, if not more, days that I'm completely off the track. The train just wrecks.
I've been on this Earth for 30 years and in that time I can tell you so far that no amount of fresh air or meditation or Jesus or diet changes or pills or alcohol or drugs or awareness have made any impact on my shadow. It is alive. It exists.
Self awareness has helped me grow. A lot. I'm awake to my emotions so I am fully aware of my behavior and my attitude. I can issue warnings. I can say the shadow times are shorter and I'm able to connect to the light a bit quicker but taking a fall doesn't hurt any less.
I feel as if I was born with active depression. I can remember being sad as far back as I have memories. I can remember being happy too. I'm pretty manic at times.
I don't hang out much in the middle. Mediocrity bores me.
So here I am--- this soul inside of a shell with a miserable ego. As Alan Watts said "getting rid of your ego is the biggest ego trip there is" there's no getting around it.
I am coming to accept that there is no running away from who I am and I won't continue to pretend that I don't have days that are less than 100%.
It's dishonest and it doesn't actually help anyone anywhere around me.
On days like these the one thing I can do is wait. Wait with hope.
Because I know that all is temporary. Emotions. Existence.
The key is to be okay with not being okay.
Pushing against it and attempting to fight it off only fuels the fire.
There's a lot of shame involved with feeling down because I have the belief that I shouldn't be feeling that way and that belief is what causes my pain.
Instead, I just sit with it. I chat with it. Serve it tea maybe.
Attempt to see what it wants but I don't fret over it anymore. I don't judge it.
Perfection isn't real. The perfect human isn't real.
So instead of beating up on myself I turn to love.
I find something within reach that leans towards self-love.
I find that writing does help. Reaching for a better thought helps.
Moving up the emotional scale helps. Maybe I don't get all the way up to contentment or appreciation tonight but it's right over the hill.
I'll just keep going. Until this body stops breathing.
And I hope that if anyone else is struggling they can find some hope in my experience.
I think we are all here to be our true selves... our entire selves.
You never know who you are helping or inspiring but it's often done by being completely true to yourself, both in the light and in the shadows.
I love you all and I hope you have a wonderful evening!
Tomorrow will be better.
It's Friday after all.